A Break from the Torrent

I'm taking a short break from my crazy, currently overstuffed and overstressed life to post this song by Tanya Davis called....
Art.

I wondered what would be the worth of my words in the world
if i write them and then recite them are they worth being heard
just because i like them does that mean i should mic them
and see what might unfurl

i think of the significance of my opinions here
is it significant to be giving them does anybody care
just because i’m into this does that mean i should live like it
and really do i dare

art, art i want you
art you make it pretty hard not too
and my heart is trying hard here to follow you
but i can’t always tell if i ought to

so i pondered the point of my art in this life
if i make it will someone take it and think it’s genuine
will they be glad that i did ’cause they got something good out of it
will they leave me and be any more inspired

i question the outcome of the outpouring of myself
if i tell everyone my stories will this keep me healthy and well
will it give me purpose, to this world some sort of service
is it worth it, how can i tell

art, art…

I found it posted on one of my favorite blogs (yes, I'm only a lurker there but alas...) a peek inside the fishbowl

As a (sort-of real but mostly) wannabe songwriter, this song really touches on the struggles of most artists I think. And since humanity is the only requisite for the production of real art(Don't you think? Or do the painting elephant and cat count too? And what of birdsong?) I think it might actually be a primary plight of humanity as a whole. Certainly a familiar one for those that blog... - Hi blogging friends! *wave wave*

Should we share the most intense bits of our soul? The ones that beg to be screamed from mountaintops... As well as the ones that intentionally confuse, entangle and hide themselves back in the deepest recesses at the first inkling that they are to be pushed out into the light? Is it righteous or selfish to express our souls in ways that make others feel the way we do - good or bad, simple or complex?

As usual, all I've got is questions.... I have to give myself the credit though that I am very well practiced at their asking... And that, my dears, is a start.

An internal summer frenzy

Seriously. This summer has been just nuts. They always have seemed to fly by. But wow. I really can't account for what was actually so busy and taxing but it really felt like we've been running for three months straight. Really.

I think a big part of it is that I am really having trouble completing things. Or maybe I do complete things and I just have so many things that need to be completed that I'm really never finished. I never quite feel accomplished in my day....my life sometimes. I am blessed/cursed by my love of experience. I have really high expectations for this world and my life in it. I think that's good actually. I want a completely fulfilled life. Now I just have to figure out how NOT to make myself crazy getting it....

In happier, cuter news Baze is officially a little boy. He turned 2 at the end of July and wow in the last couple of weeks I swear he's sprouted. What a beaming, inquisitive, mischievous outlook he has. I'm so excited to be around to watch(in wonder) as his little personality unfurls. What a treasure I've got.

WOW! That's just cool....

Unfortunately, I have to put this in a link to share....sorry....but totally go check it out!! This is sooooooo awesome!!

Yesterday and today....

Yesterday our living room was a lovely shade of Orange (2 actually). Today....it is a very neutral (albeit rather nice and retro looking) parchment-y color. Yes, last night we painted our living room. Shay's friend Julie, who does painting on the side, came and helped us. We started at 6pm and finished at almost 11pm. Impressed right? Huh? Huh?....AND it was ZERO VOC paint too!! Unfortunately, when the rooster crows at 5:30am , that means we missed out on quite a bit of shut-eye....humph.

And.... Baze and I went to the park at like 8:30am this morning(I caved pretty quickly. I just couldn't handle the "Pawk. Pawk. Pawk. Paawwwwk. Paaaaaawwwwk!" whining this morning after our night-of-little-sleep.) He played very nicely and even swung on the big-boy swing like a big boy! So cute! We played quite a bit and were playing "Chase me!" in the open area when Baze quickly decided to run right into the middle of the street. Now, the park is surrounded by streets, all of which are residential and not particularly well traveled. But it scared me to death and so I kinda screamed at him a little. Not five minutes later he did it again. At that point, I was scared AND angry so I scooped him up and told him we were going home. Our exchange went something like this: "We have to go home now. If Bazie can't listen to mommmy then we have to go home! It's a very bad thing to run in the street! It is dangerous! We don't go in the street...right Baze? No. Street. You say Baze. Noooo. Street." Having a vague understanding of the gravity of the situation after all my yelling and eyebrow furrowing, Baze responds very seriously "Noooo. Sheep."

It probably doesn't help Baze to understand the "No Running into the street" effort when I'm rolling in the street laughing. Hard. Does it?

Oh Sweet Bazie!

Just a quick note. I have to note this so I will remember a (two?) cute Bazism.
Baze has recently discovered his pockets. Which truly, is making me realize how amazing pockets really are. They mean you can go around picking up more and More and MORE rocks and sticks and still have your hands free to point at things(emphatically!!) and name them (ie...Mon!=Moon, Papee!=Puppy, Cawe!!=Car!!). So the really cute thing is that his version of the word Pocket is actually Pocky...just like his ride-on rocket is referred to as a "Rocky".....ugh. Little precious man....

All The Things I Can't Get Done

I know this title sounds negative. And well, it is really. I cannot seem to get any of my important life projects done. Do you have these kinds of To Do items? The ones you can't ever seem to scratch off your list, even though you are positive they would change your life for the better in their final completion.

Here is my list:
* Create a internationally diverse, vege-filled, and cheap menu plan and matching shopping lists for at least a months worth of meals(A country focus a week). (Yes certainly a challenge...but not impossible....)

*Load more music on my phone so when I go to walk on the treadmill at the Y, I don't have to listen to the 8 songs I originally loaded on there (Before Baze was born...) over and over and over again.

*Purge my crafty area. I need this stuff to be way more functional and inviting. I LOVE to do any sort of crafting. But not being able to find what I want to play with makes it far too frustrating to even attempt. So....some crafties must go. (The hard thing about this one is not only do I NOT actually want to get rid of any of my craft supplies but I never have a large enough stretch of time where I can dig it all out and sort it. I've started this one before, but it always all gets crammed back in where I found it because we have a showing....ugh!)

*Figure out a good daily schedule where I am satisfied with the state of the cleanliness of the house on a regular basis AND I spend lots of one-on-one time with my Bazie and my Hubby...AND have a little time to spend on Barefoot ..AND have some time(at least an hour and a half a day to spend working out at (or getting to and then working out at) the Y. Is that asking so much?

*Go out on a "Take your time" date with just my hubby. Where we spend the day just together and find again what we found in each other before we had a precious little man in between us all the time.

Okay, now I'm starting to get "wanty"...I want this ....I want that....I want a million dollars ....

Going to bed now...with "If I Had a million dollars" stuck in my head...

Oh, my Intuition is going off again!

So, I was walking this morning at the Y. (As I do every morning...M-F....I'll post more details about the super walking workout that I've been working on, another time.) To set the scene a little I walk on the treadmill amongst a bunch of other workout machines and in front of two large gyms. There is a track that is above the open gyms that goes around the machine area(an upper level) as well. So I'm walking and I get a weird feeling. Suffice it to say going 5 days a week means I have at least seen all the other regular walkers/work outers and have spoken to quite a few of them. Whilst I was walking today though a new guy started walking around the track whom I had never seen before. It was one of those moments when as soon as he stepped on the track I knew he was there. He wasn't hideous or anything. Relatively large (in a fat and gangly, NOT muscular way). With a red face and an farmer-styled foam black cap. He was one of those people who seems not to have eyelashes or brows but actually does, their just almost clear in color. I remember vividly his red rimmed eyelashless eyes. So, what began as a slightly ominous feeling coinciding with this guys arrival, began to slowly grow. Now, I don't believe in judging people on looks alone. And generally I think I do a pretty good job of checking my assumptions. But, I have also learned to trust my intuition. So for the first bit I alternated between trying to figure out my menu plan in my head and having an argument with myself (in my head, of course) that went something like this:
Intuition me: "I have a bad feeling about that guy."
Logical (often critical) me: "Your so judgemental. Just because the guy is a little disheveled looking does not mean he's dangerous. Give him a fair shake. "
IM: "No ,but really. I think I need to go. Seriously, that guy is giving me the heebe geebes."
LM: "Calm down. It's nothing. You are just being paranoid. Take a breath and stop trying to find excuses to stop your workout."

...at this point we're at about 10-15 minutes since this guy appeared. And all of a sudden he disappears and reappears one treadmill away from me. The whole five minutes he walked there I was telling myself :"Don't look at him. Don't make any funny gestures or lick your lips or sneeze or ANYTHING that would give him any ideas" Exactly what ideas I thought he'd get I don't know. But it took so much exertion to keep myself from running away that my treadmill heart monitor kept lowering my incline (to account for my ever increasing heart rate). He only walked on the treadmill for like two minutes and then got off and began walking around the track again. I regained some sense of calm and continued my workout, trying not to be weirded out by this strong feeling of drowning/sinking. About 5 minutes later he got back on the treadmill. By this time there were a bunch of people in the machine area training on the new weight machines they put in last week. So I felt a little less scared.(I was no longer arguing the logical side with myself but was fighting the full throws of 'fight or flight'. He walked on the treadmill for about 10 minutes that time and the entire time I planned my escape.

I figured when my time was up he'd probably be walking on the track again so I'd keep walking until he was just out of line of sight and then I'd quickly wipe down the treadmill and run downstairs. He smelled like an old wet ashtray. Now, I have smoked and smelled like smoke before but this is that kind of smell that overtakes you in its strength and pungency. It was as though he had soaked his workout clothes in an outdoor ashtray after the rain. It was a pervasively ugly smell. So I asked myself "Why would someone who smokes so much be here walking for so long?" (I walk for about 50 minutes which is really long for most people and he was there almost the whole time). He just didn't seem to belong. So the moment he got off the treadmill and started walking the track again I kept a watch. As soon as he passed where I was in line of sight I hopped to the spray bottle wiped my treadmill, collected my stuff and left.

Have you ever had this feeling before? An intuition so strong that you completely neglect all sense of logic for some ancient self preservation alarm? Am I crazy?(As 'they' say....paranoia, will destroy ya!)

More importantly, does it make me a bad person for feeling this horribly about someone who I've never met and hasn't done me any harm?(yet?)