tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-657929216850085942024-02-20T16:22:41.083-06:00A Generalist Curiosity<b>"We are haunted by an ideal life, and it is because we have within us the beginning and the possibility of it." <i>Philip Brooks</i></b>f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-53360913408980241462010-02-22T14:07:00.004-06:002010-02-23T06:54:33.414-06:00So it's been a year. So what!....I've been kind of busy! And (as usual) I still am. So, just to spite all of you that keep whining that I haven't posted in a long time (you know who you are) here is a top 10 list. Just for you! Top 10 things I've been doing in the last year (instead of writing on my blog):<br /><br />10. Losing ground on the "clean house" goal.<br />9. Settling the mold issue with the people who bought our old house for an additional $5000 over time.Ugh.<br />8. Fighting with a 3 year old. A. Lot.<br />7. Sending said 3-year old off to preschool (2 days a week for two hours). <br />6. Suffering through a miserable, uncomfortable, and difficult pregnancy (not that I am complaining... see 2 and 1).<br />5. Deciding and applying to go back to school to become a Waldorf teacher and get my Masters in Education.<br />4. Playing a multitude (like 10..at least!) of gigs with the band<br />3. Recording a CD with the band<br />2. Having a beautiful baby girl 4 weeks early.<br />1. Watching said baby sleep. SHE SLEEPS!!! Yay!!<br /><br />Okay. That wasn't too hard. Maybe I'll post more soon.... No promises...I have a 2 month old to take care of for cripes sake!f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-5091968590195397922009-02-12T14:48:00.004-06:002009-02-12T16:06:03.945-06:00If you can't say something nice.......take a break from blogging all together. At least, that's sort of how its gone for me. It's been a little more than two months now since last I posted. Between all of my roller-coaster riding (1.news of a new pregnancy right before Thanksgiving... subsequent miscarriage, 2.Joyous and family filled holidays(no traveling! Woowho!)...grieving unsharable loss then economic upheaval for the nation and world, 3.Finally progressing with making this house our home and doing some painting....old house mold issue resurfacing (to the current tune of $12,000 for which they would like a check yesterday...ha!See item 2...) But honestly, I just haven't felt like glorifying, quantifying or even recognizing for that matter all the feelings of discouragement, disappointment and downright depression I've been living. I WANT to be positive. I want to feel like this home and life we're creating is relatively stable and that as long as we have each other my little family will keep on keepin' on.... but most of the time, I'm just not feeling it. So today dear reader(s?) I mean to search my little achy(breaky) heart for some of the good things and people that HAVE happened to me since last we spoke. Without them I would have certainly sunken into the swamps of sadness. <br /><br />Okay *rubbing hands together ferociously* here goes:<br />1.The holidays brought a plethora of friends back into my consciousness. Between meeting up with several friends I haven't spoken to in more than 8 years each and seeing close friends(in person!!) that are(daring)to fly right into their lives and perch in new neighborhoods. Re-friending(or not) seems to give amazing perspective to how much you yourself have changed/grown (or not)since last that particular friendship thrived. And it shows very clearly how much people can change in a relatively short amount of time(I guess 8 years is long...?). Also, seeing in person those friends still flying in your radar yet removed from your neighborhood is always a practice in fully enjoying and remembering how wonderful they really are in right next to you and then having to wave your hanky at their departing tail feathers once again.<br /><br />2.I have been discovering more about a philosophy of education and child-rearing I had never known existed. While ultimately I think the true value of any education lies in the people who impart it, I must admit the idealist in me cannot find fault with educating whole people (mind, heart and body) through ample use of the arts and a four dimensional view of the developing human. The Waldorf philosophy,(apart from some henky bits that COULD be misused by a wayward teacher) seems to me to fit this bill. It could be that what I'm really enjoying about it, is it's exploration.... only time will tell.<br /><br />4.I discovered Unitarian Universalism online(Oh internet, how do I love thee...let me count the ways...) when we were still living in Palatine. After we moved we began frequenting a UU church in our new area and have absolutely fallen in love with it. Being a weird mixture of both extremely logical and fundamentally spiritual in nature it has been like finding the home that could comfortably house both my heart and my brain. And a community that is both open minded and intelligent within whom I am thrilled to be able to bring up my children.<br /><br />5.Singing has been a natural outflow of my personality since I was born, I think. And being in a band that plays regularly in small venues with person to person interaction has always been a quasi-secret dream of mine. Yes, I got my degree in Vocal Performance. Indeed, I did. But what I didn't fully realize until after I actually snatched the diploma, is that Opera singers sing in large impersonal opera halls and theatres and the relationship they have with their audience, while wonderful in its own right, is not actually the eye to eye, lets sing together kind of personal I was seeking. My high school youth leader and now long time friend and I have begun singing together (again really...)and are making a stab at that coffee house performance dream in the sky. I'm really enjoying seeing where it takes us...<br /><br />.....<br />I think I'll have to continue this post later as it seems my young sprite is awake and I think I've used up all the vocabulary I can muster. Maybe kind reader, we will continue this list tomorrow. If not then, soon. Until then, thanks for reading. Over and out.f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-63700761907340333372008-12-11T17:58:00.002-06:002008-12-11T18:14:00.659-06:00My SparkSometimes, in stressful times, like the last day and a half Baze says things that make me so grateful. ....Profound things like ..."Ev-BahDee SING!".... or... "Mama, Par-ede!!!" which is ultimately followed by loud made-up song singing ,marching around the couch in circles and the banging of home made instruments(Because store bought ones are not nearly as fun). ...OR "Tinkle, Tinkle, li-ul STAR, Tinkle, Tinkle li-ul STAR, Tinkle, Tinkle li-ul STAR, Tinkle Tinkle Li-Ul STAR....won-der....up buv....high"....Ugh.... It's good stuff this.... Real good.f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-30235992115358709362008-09-10T07:12:00.007-05:002008-09-10T08:35:41.175-05:00A Break from the TorrentI'm taking a short break from my crazy, currently overstuffed and overstressed life to post this song by <a href="http://tanyadavis.ca/music.html">Tanya Davis</a> called....<br /> <a href="http://tanyadavis.ca/music/04%20Tanya%20Davis%20-%20Art.mp3">Art.</a><br /><br /> <blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;">I wondered what would be the worth of my words in the world<br /> if i write them and then recite them are they worth being heard<br /> just because i like them does that mean i should mic them<br /> and see what might unfurl<br /><br /> i think of the significance of my opinions here<br /> is it significant to be giving them does anybody care<br /> just because i’m into this does that mean i should live like it<br /> and really do i dare<br /><br /> art, art i want you<br /> art you make it pretty hard not too<br /> and my heart is trying hard here to follow you<br /> but i can’t always tell if i ought to<br /><br /> so i pondered the point of my art in this life<br /> if i make it will someone take it and think it’s genuine<br /> will they be glad that i did ’cause they got something good out of it<br /> will they leave me and be any more inspired<br /><br /> i question the outcome of the outpouring of myself<br /> if i tell everyone my stories will this keep me healthy and well<br /> will it give me purpose, to this world some sort of service<br /> is it worth it, how can i tell<br /><br /> art, art…</span></blockquote><br /><br />I found it posted on one of my favorite blogs (yes, I'm only a lurker there but alas...) <a href="http://www.quietfish.com/notebook/">a peek inside the fishbowl</a><br /><br />As a (sort-of real but mostly) wannabe songwriter, this song really touches on the struggles of most artists I think. And since humanity is the only requisite for the production of real art(Don't you think? Or do the painting elephant and cat count too? And what of birdsong?) I think it might actually be a primary plight of humanity as a whole. Certainly a familiar one for those that blog... - Hi blogging friends! *wave wave*<br /><br />Should we share the most intense bits of our soul? The ones that beg to be screamed from mountaintops... As well as the ones that intentionally confuse, entangle and hide themselves back in the deepest recesses at the first inkling that they are to be pushed out into the light? Is it righteous or selfish to express our souls in ways that make others feel the way we do - good or bad, simple or complex?<br /><br />As usual, all I've got is questions.... I have to give myself the credit though that I am very well practiced at their asking... And that, my dears, is a start.f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-12241659426392654562008-08-12T16:32:00.004-05:002008-08-12T16:57:35.555-05:00An internal summer frenzySeriously. This summer has been just nuts. They always have seemed to fly by. But wow. I really can't account for what was actually so busy and taxing but it really felt like we've been running for three months straight. Really. <br /><br />I think a big part of it is that I am really having trouble completing things. Or maybe I do complete things and I just have so many things that need to be completed that I'm really never finished. I never quite feel accomplished in my day....my life sometimes. I am blessed/cursed by my love of experience. I have really high expectations for this world and my life in it. I think that's good actually. I want a completely fulfilled life. Now I just have to figure out how NOT to make myself crazy getting it....<br /><br />In happier, cuter news Baze is officially a little boy. He turned 2 at the end of July and wow in the last couple of weeks I swear he's sprouted. What a beaming, inquisitive, mischievous outlook he has. I'm so excited to be around to watch(in wonder) as his little personality unfurls. What a treasure I've got.f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-41463382452552226232008-07-11T08:07:00.003-05:002008-07-11T08:13:48.383-05:00WOW! That's just cool....Unfortunately, I have to put this in a <a href="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=VjE0Kdfos4Y">link</a> to share....sorry....but totally go check it out!! This is sooooooo awesome!!f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-72298971634341500782008-07-03T10:48:00.006-05:002008-07-03T13:35:21.339-05:00Yesterday and today....Yesterday our living room was a lovely shade of Orange (2 actually). Today....it is a very neutral (albeit rather nice and retro looking) parchment-y color. Yes, last night we painted our living room. Shay's friend Julie, who does painting on the side, came and helped us. We started at 6pm and finished at almost 11pm. Impressed right? Huh? Huh?....AND it was ZERO VOC paint too!! Unfortunately, when the rooster crows at 5:30am , that means we missed out on quite a bit of shut-eye....humph.<br /><br />And.... Baze and I went to the park at like 8:30am this morning(I caved pretty quickly. I just couldn't handle the "Pawk. Pawk. Pawk. Paawwwwk. Paaaaaawwwwk!" whining this morning after our night-of-little-sleep.) He played very nicely and even swung on the big-boy swing like a big boy! So cute! We played quite a bit and were playing "Chase me!" in the open area when Baze quickly decided to run right into the middle of the street. Now, the park is surrounded by streets, all of which are residential and not particularly well traveled. But it scared me to death and so I kinda screamed at him a little. Not five minutes later he did it again. At that point, I was scared AND angry so I scooped him up and told him we were going home. Our exchange went something like this: "We have to go home now. If Bazie can't listen to mommmy then we have to go home! It's a very bad thing to run in the street! It is dangerous! We don't go in the street...right Baze? No. Street. You say Baze. Noooo. Street." Having a vague understanding of the gravity of the situation after all my yelling and eyebrow furrowing, Baze responds very seriously "Noooo. Sheep." <br /><br />It probably doesn't help Baze to understand the "No Running into the street" effort when I'm rolling in the street laughing. Hard. Does it?f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-51665038321286781202008-06-20T19:16:00.002-05:002008-06-20T19:24:39.331-05:00Oh Sweet Bazie!Just a quick note. I have to note this so I will remember a (two?) cute Bazism.<br />Baze has recently discovered his pockets. Which truly, is making me realize how amazing pockets really are. They mean you can go around picking up more and More and MORE rocks and sticks and still have your hands free to point at things(emphatically!!) and name them (ie...Mon!=Moon, Papee!=Puppy, Cawe!!=Car!!). So the really cute thing is that his version of the word Pocket is actually Pocky...just like his ride-on rocket is referred to as a "Rocky".....ugh. Little precious man....f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-5150567552475041622008-06-17T21:14:00.005-05:002008-06-17T21:48:33.472-05:00All The Things I Can't Get DoneI know this title sounds negative. And well, it is really. I cannot seem to get any of my important life projects done. Do you have these kinds of To Do items? The ones you can't ever seem to scratch off your list, even though you are positive they would change your life for the better in their final completion.<br /><br />Here is my list:<br />* Create a internationally diverse, vege-filled, and cheap menu plan and matching shopping lists for at least a months worth of meals(A country focus a week). (Yes certainly a challenge...but not impossible....)<br /><br />*Load more music on my phone so when I go to walk on the treadmill at the Y, I don't have to listen to the 8 songs I originally loaded on there (Before Baze was born...) over and over and over again.<br /><br />*Purge my crafty area. I need this stuff to be way more functional and inviting. I LOVE to do any sort of crafting. But not being able to find what I want to play with makes it far too frustrating to even attempt. So....some crafties must go. (The hard thing about this one is not only do I NOT actually want to get rid of any of my craft supplies but I never have a large enough stretch of time where I can dig it all out and sort it. I've started this one before, but it always all gets crammed back in where I found it because we have a showing....ugh!)<br /><br />*Figure out a good daily schedule where I am satisfied with the state of the cleanliness of the house on a regular basis AND I spend lots of one-on-one time with my Bazie and my Hubby...AND have a little time to spend on Barefoot ..AND have some time(at least an hour and a half a day to spend working out at (or getting to and then working out at) the Y. Is that asking so much?<br /><br />*Go out on a "Take your time" date with just my hubby. Where we spend the day just together and find again what we found in each other before we had a precious little man in between us all the time.<br /><br />Okay, now I'm starting to get "wanty"...I want this ....I want that....I want a million dollars ....<br /><br />Going to bed now...with "If I Had a million dollars" stuck in my head...<br /><br /><br /><br /></span>f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-52080454508248084592008-06-12T13:02:00.005-05:002008-06-12T14:04:54.114-05:00Oh, my Intuition is going off again!So, I was walking this morning at the Y. (As I do every morning...M-F....I'll post more details about the super walking workout that I've been working on, another time.) To set the scene a little I walk on the treadmill amongst a bunch of other workout machines and in front of two large gyms. There is a track that is above the open gyms that goes around the machine area(an upper level) as well. So I'm walking and I get a weird feeling. Suffice it to say going 5 days a week means I have at least seen all the other regular walkers/work outers and have spoken to quite a few of them. Whilst I was walking today though a new guy started walking around the track whom I had never seen before. It was one of those moments when as soon as he stepped on the track I knew he was there. He wasn't hideous or anything. Relatively large (in a fat and gangly, NOT muscular way). With a red face and an farmer-styled foam black cap. He was one of those people who seems not to have eyelashes or brows but actually does, their just almost clear in color. I remember vividly his red rimmed eyelashless eyes. So, what began as a slightly ominous feeling coinciding with this guys arrival, began to slowly grow. Now, I don't believe in judging people on looks alone. And generally I think I do a pretty good job of checking my assumptions. But, I have also learned to trust my intuition. So for the first bit I alternated between trying to figure out my menu plan in my head and having an argument with myself (in my head, of course) that went something like this:<br />Intuition me: "I have a bad feeling about that guy."<br />Logical (often critical) me: "Your so judgemental. Just because the guy is a little disheveled looking does not mean he's dangerous. Give him a fair shake. "<br />IM: "No ,but really. I think I need to go. Seriously, that guy is giving me the heebe geebes."<br />LM: "Calm down. It's nothing. You are just being paranoid. Take a breath and stop trying to find excuses to stop your workout."<br /><br />...at this point we're at about 10-15 minutes since this guy appeared. And all of a sudden he disappears and reappears one treadmill away from me. The whole five minutes he walked there I was telling myself :"Don't look at him. Don't make any funny gestures or lick your lips or sneeze or ANYTHING that would give him any ideas" Exactly what ideas I thought he'd get I don't know. But it took so much exertion to keep myself from running away that my treadmill heart monitor kept lowering my incline (to account for my ever increasing heart rate). He only walked on the treadmill for like two minutes and then got off and began walking around the track again. I regained some sense of calm and continued my workout, trying not to be weirded out by this strong feeling of drowning/sinking. About 5 minutes later he got back on the treadmill. By this time there were a bunch of people in the machine area training on the new weight machines they put in last week. So I felt a little less scared.(I was no longer arguing the logical side with myself but was fighting the full throws of 'fight or flight'. He walked on the treadmill for about 10 minutes that time and the entire time I planned my escape.<br /><br />I figured when my time was up he'd probably be walking on the track again so I'd keep walking until he was just out of line of sight and then I'd quickly wipe down the treadmill and run downstairs. He smelled like an old wet ashtray. Now, I have smoked and smelled like smoke before but this is that kind of smell that overtakes you in its strength and pungency. It was as though he had soaked his workout clothes in an outdoor ashtray after the rain. It was a pervasively ugly smell. So I asked myself "Why would someone who smokes so much be here walking for so long?" (I walk for about 50 minutes which is really long for most people and he was there almost the whole time). He just didn't seem to belong. So the moment he got off the treadmill and started walking the track again I kept a watch. As soon as he passed where I was in line of sight I hopped to the spray bottle wiped my treadmill, collected my stuff and left.<br /><br />Have you ever had this feeling before? An intuition so strong that you completely neglect all sense of logic for some ancient self preservation alarm? Am I crazy?(As 'they' say....paranoia, will destroy ya!)<br /><br />More importantly, does it make me a bad person for feeling this horribly about someone who I've never met and hasn't done me any harm?(yet?)f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-11763443321695716682008-06-06T12:31:00.002-05:002008-06-06T13:01:00.029-05:00Tales of a cutie pie...Must get down these two cute Baze stories before I forget them.<br /><br /> One happened a week or so ago. The hubby and Baze were watching "the Upside Down show" (its a fairly cute Australian kids show with two guys that are actually quite funny and do mostly a bunch of pretending..) In this episode one guy gets his hair cut and comes out of the barbers and says..."Oh no...I forgot my sticker" So the other one says, "Here, have mine." He then proceeds to take a pretend sticker off his shirt and places it on the first guy shirt making a *scht* noise for emphasis. Then the one who gave his "sticker" away then says..."Now I don't have a sticker!" So the other guy goes "Oh, here!" And making the scht noise pretends to give the"sticker" back again. As you can probably guess this little game goes on for like twenty rounds. And apparently in the time they watched Baze picked up this little routine and started playing it with dad. So at dinner that night Baze says "NaStikoo....scht". I don't get it at all and do my normal "Oh really! How interesting!" and then daddy informs me of their new game. I watch agape for like five minutes!! It is just so amazing and adorable to see him pick up on "situations" like this and then recreate them....and so entertaining to watch him pretend so effectively.<br /><br />The second one happened today. We were at the Y (aren't we always) in the changing room changing for swim class. The door to the room has a button lock - you know the kind where you shut the door then press the button on the handle and it locks the door. Baze was ready to go and playing with the door handle. And I was still paranoidly getting my suit on (he has previously opened a public bathroom stall door on me mid pee....so a little paranoia is fair in this situation). Then all of a sudden he presses the lock button and says "dng dough". I'm all like "Hey Don't open the door...mommy doesn't have a shirt on!!" And he does it again...presses the button and says "dng dough-g" ...with some sort of intonation....and I realize...he's pretending the button lock is the door bell...Ding Dong!! Once again, desperately cute this one.....f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-50775338607704861062008-06-04T20:20:00.002-05:002008-06-06T13:01:44.644-05:00Posting anyway....I have a tendency, being a quasi optimist, to want the world to see that best happy part of me. Unfortunately, that means my blog seems to go silent when I have nothing "good" to say. Like now for instance. So, in the spirit of being completely honest with and about myself I've decided to post anyway.<br /><br />I am sick. As in, I can't breathe through my nose, my head is exploding and my body aches. On top of the ultimate joy of illness I am of late struggling with a bout of depression brought on by almost 4 months of cleaning what is essentially my eternally dirty house. AND juggling a baby and two dogs out of the house on the whim of a perspective home buyer who doesn't even make it INSIDE the house!! Even better is the fact that we have no idea where we'll be in the near future and cannot plan anything. Including a vacation. Of which we have not partaken of the bliss of since we conceived our almost 2 year old Baze.<br /><br />Rant over? Yes, I think so. On a happy note.....or at least a mostly happy note. I have developed some really great friendships at the YMCA since I've been walking 5 days a week. I'm really excited that I've been keeping up on the fitness plan!! Yay Me!<br />The End.f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-75897957511507044822008-05-11T20:03:00.002-05:002008-06-06T13:01:00.030-05:00For all the momma'sIn honor of Mother's Day I have to send out some love to ALL the momma's out there...<br />* For pet mom's - and YES it totally counts. Dogs (Pets really..)are people too.<br />* For mentor's and 2nd mom's who give you all the things your blood momma can't. Support and love at times a bio mom can just be to close to your pain to really help....<br />* For all those mom's trying desperately to birth their own children whatever it takes and whatever it costs.<br />* For foster mom's, adoptive mom's, step mom's and surrogate mom's. This crowd never seems to get the love and props they're do. Loving children you birthed yourself is hard enough let alone loving and caring for children that aren't your own. Often times fighting hard just to love them....many times completely unappreciated.<br />* For all the mom's that make mothering look easy....AND all the rest of us. Who struggle every single day.<br />* For all the mom's whose children have lost their way.... who are fighting tooth and nail to keep them from destroying themselves.<br />* For all the mom's with children in the service fighting a pointless war....<br />* For all the mother's who have lost children. Our hearts are with all of you.<br />* For all the mom's who say "I love you" verbally to their children everyday. And for all the mother's who say "I love you" with every paycheck and support they can provide.<br />* For all the widow's, divorcees, spouses of servicemen at war and single mother's and father's who are both Mother AND Father every single day.<br />* For mother's with spotless and messy houses.....mother's who cook from scratch and mother's who cook in the nuker....<br />* For mother's with only one child...AND mother's with a house , a team or a classroom full of children who they call their own....<br />* For mom's with disabilities; physical, mental and emotional......keep fighting...you're winning!<br />* For mom's whose children have the flu and mom's whose children have cancer.<br />* For teenage mothers.<br />* For all the mom's who go hungry so their children can eat...<br />* For new mother's and the "so new" stuggle of sleep deprivation and sacrifice. And of all the mature mom's whose children are having children of their own...teaching and letting go all at the same time...<br />* For our mother's mother's mother's ...who had it so much harder than we can even imagine..<br /><br /><br />For all of us.....doing the best we can every single day....f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-4067330888502005082008-05-08T13:25:00.003-05:002008-06-06T13:02:06.571-05:00My (new) Fave WebsitesI have been hungry for new interesting things lately and have stumbled across some really cool web curiosities(or something like that).<br /><br /><a href="http://www.43things.com">http://www.43things.com</a> - Life goal setting! How fun! And people cheer you on!! Just what I need!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.freerice.com">http://www.freerice.com</a> - Enhance your vocabulary. Play a little game. Feed hungry people. A win, Win, WIN!!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.pandora.com">http://www.pandora.com</a> - Ever wish you could talk to the radio and tell it how you really loved that song -but really hate this one? That's what pandora is. They're geniuses, I tell you geniuses!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.gratefulness.org/candles">http://www.gratefulness.org/candles</a> - It's like beautiful spiritual place that can fit the whole world. I grew up in a Presbyterian church where, as youth, we lit the service candles. But I have to say it wasn't nearly as moving or cathartic for me as these little internet ones.<br /><a href="http://www.thestoryofstuff.com"><br />http://www.thestoryofstuff.com</a> - If you haven't seen it yet, watch it.<br /><a href="http://www.eightprinciples.com"><br />http://www.eightprinciples.com</a> and <a href="http://www.fivebigquestions.com">http://www.fivebigquestions.com</a> - Thought provoking and entertaining....sooooo how I roll.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.longnow.org/">http://www.longnow.org </a>- I just love smart people who think about things like this and make foundations to support them. Leave it to us humans to think about time and existence in a scientific way further than 2 or 3 lifetimes into it.<br /><a href="http://www.ted.com"><br />http://www.ted.com</a> - More smart people!! And they're sharing!!<br /><br />That's all today children. Good luck prying yourself from your puter for a while. ;-) Escapist?! Not me.f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-82167507375545567652008-04-14T10:49:00.003-05:002008-04-14T11:05:59.450-05:00Home UpdateWe are...as you say....back to square one. Terminix came and said there was NO structural damage and that all that needed to be done was the Termite Treatment. So $1200 later...NOT $30,000 per Mean Inspector man's estimate, we are starting over. The original buyers really had our hopes up there for a while. We got a letter from their lawyer canceling their offer a couple days after the inspector came. And our lawyer sent them back a letter detailing what the problem really was and how we had fixed it. And then they came back to look at the house again with both sets of their parents a couple days after that response letter. But we haven't heard from them since. Now the attorney's period is over and we are no longer bound to their offer we have put the house back on the market. The most unfortunate part of this whole thing is that now I really have my heart set on the house <span style="font-weight: bold;">we</span> put an offer on. Because our offer was contingent on this home sale our offer is kaput. Which means we have to work really hard to get this house sold as soon as possible so we can put in another offer before someone else snatches it up. It's funny. I feel surprisingly upbeat even though I don't want to lose the house. I just sort of feel better not being in limbo. At least now, we know what we need to do. Hopefully all of the flowers will start coming out soon! More curb appeal!!f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-48002341343412814732008-04-02T10:48:00.003-06:002008-06-06T13:01:44.644-05:00I puke on long roller coaster rides...Well, I think a recap of recent months events is in order.<br /><ul><li>Feb 1:We put our house on the market. (yes, it is a crappy time to put your house on the market. But we want to start trying for more kids soon and have no place to put them in our current house.)</li><li>March 25: After about 5 or so showings we get an offer. Yay!!!</li><li>March 26:After a couple of counter offers back and forth we land on a mutually agreeable offer which includes a closing of April 25. Yes. April 25 Ahhhhhhhhhh! We have to find a house!!!!</li><li>March 31: Go house shopping. Look a second time at a house we had looked at in early Feb. Fall in love. Put in an offer.<br /></li><li>April 1: This date will forever live in infamy from now on... The devil. Seriously, the devil himself comes to inspect our house. Quotes from the devil: "This fridge (Brand spanking new in January) is dirty(said with utter distaste) but it works." "These to windows in the kitchen are painted shut. And they'd need supports. Could be hard on your back"(We completely redid the Kitchen in January including painting the window sills. They need to be razored, certainly. But do they have ten coats of paint on them and will never be opened again? No.) And finally the kicker...He shows the other realtor and the to-be buyer evidence of termites. And proceeds to scare the shit out of them (first home for them) telling them it is going to cost $30,000 mitigate the damage. Now, we did not know there was any termite activity in the house at all. We have done lots of work to this house and never found any sign of them. So finding termites on his part is fair. But some of the other inspectors our Realtor has talked to says there is no way it will be anywhere near that cost. Then....THEN we get the a counter from the House we fell in love with and put a bid on. And he can't be out until later in May(For three weeks either we'll have to board the dogs and move the three of us in my parents tiny extra bedroom OR for $2500 we could stay at the extended stay). Seriously nauseous now, I watch all the stuff we had just barely fitting together come crashing down. So now depending on what happens when we get a real termite inspector in here that new house may all go down the shitter. This is why I don't like getting my hopes set on things... Trying to stay positive though and I know that everything will work out eventually, its just really hard to see it that way right now.<br /></li></ul>If you are reading this....please send some good vibes our way. We can use anything we can get right now.....f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-1509658711415183482008-02-24T07:41:00.004-06:002008-06-06T13:01:00.031-05:00My Bazie....I just thought I should record some of the cute things my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Bazie</span> does now, before I forget them.<br /><br />Kisses: He gives the cutest kisses. He hasn't quite figured out how to make the pucker sound, when he goes to give you a kiss he snuffs in through his nose. I think it's how he makes the pucker sound....<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">soooooooooo</span> cute.<br /><br />Puppies:....<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Baze</span> pronounces the word puppies ....<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Babouf</span>..... I think the "f" sound <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">approximates</span> the "s" sound......Adorable!<br /><br />Singing and dancing....<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Bazie</span> likes to sing and dance all the time. Generally, he sings the "Brother John" Tune....and dancing...well he's got all the moves...from the Booty wiggle to the shoulder shake!<br /><br />Counting: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Bazie</span> likes to point at things and pretend to count them. He did it first one day when we were getting ready for swim class. I have a series of decorative buttons on my suit and one day he pointed at one and said "uh"...then the next one "bu"..."uh" ..."oh"....etc......he's a genius!<br /><br />His flirty "I'm Shy" smile. First, let me just tell you <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Baze</span> is NOT shy. In the least. In fact quite the opposite. So its doubly funny when he walks up to some strange little girl or woman. Lifts one shoulder and tips his head so his ear touches that shoulder and SMILES...the cutest, most flirtatious smile he can muster.... He's gonna be a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">heart breaker</span>!<br /><br />You know there will be more on this subject.....f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-13484273119780685032008-02-13T14:29:00.003-06:002008-02-13T15:25:32.538-06:00Synchronicity...have you ever had that feeling, almost like a sound really, as if you were inside a large clock. Much like Big Ben. But bigger. And although, while you're standing there, you can <span style="font-weight: bold;">definitely</span> tell that time is passing ...you get caught up in the noise and spectacle of standing inside a large clock (I imagine, as I've never actually been inside a large clock) all of a sudden you hear the noise (or get the feeling and then hear the noise) that things are starting to line up. Gears are suddenly screaming at you to notice that they are almost aligned. And you have that sense of anticipatory excitement about the top of the hour approaching and the subsequent clanging bell.<br /><br />I had this feeling right after Christmas. Actually, and it always seems to happen this way for me, I was feeling very disconnected. Very depressed, and unsure about the choices I've made regarding Baze and work (or lack thereof). I was certainly tired from the holiday and as usual a little let down. But this time it felt like more than that (probably part of my own special little version of mental illness :D). See, I have "spurts" where I feel really in tuned to myself , others, the world in general. After, many bad encounters with people and a lot of life lessons I feel like I really trust my own sense of intuition about people and timing. And I have a very creative mind. So much so, that some days its like a faucet (picture it like a magical faucet in the dessert*pop*)that I can't shut off. Every time I try to catch all the water (ideas.....inspiration) I start to fill up buckets (write...journal, craft even) but the water comes too fast. And I just can't keep up with it. And so half the water ends up evaporating as soon as it hits the hot sand. It's mostly exciting. I could really help the townsfolk (myself, my family, the greater world) with all that water. And a little bit bittersweet because of all the water that is lost in the process. During this last slump though it was like the faucet just stopped running. And then I just got soooooo thirsty. And eventually I just feel like I was getting buried in the sand. I need that water to survive. So. My point was.....all of a sudden I got that Big Ben *click* feeling. I started feeling more confident in my parenting. I started purging my house(that's a big one for me, it sort of represents letting go of my mom's thought patterns). I made a commitment to walking everyday. And I found Barefoot Books. What a good story too!<br /><br />See, I found this Book of Fairy Tales at my local bookstore and I absolutely fell in love with it. And yes you can fall in love with a children's book. In fact I'm quite the Children's book slut. Which is fair since when all the people in my life failed me in various ways and at various levels. I turned to books. And you know what? I don't think I would have survived without them. So my thanks go out to all the authors who's books helped me survive.....Anyway, (geeze what a party pooper I am )...on with the story. SO, I bought this Book of Fairy Tales in like November I think. And I poured over it in the store. Admiring the beautiful illustrations and mostly classic stories that were organized by country of origin. And they are beautiful and riveting versions of all the traditional Fairy Tales to be sure. But with the impending holiday the book went up on the shelf to be forgotten. After the new year I began the household purge I was talking about earlier. And when I started sorting through Baze's books I ran across it again. And fell in love all over again. And that's when I realized the publisher was Barefoot books. Now, I've always loved to be barefoot so it felt kind of coincidental. And I just really loved the book. So I kind of scoured the book for more info on the publisher. And found their website URL. This is where my synchronicity truly began. I found that they were environmentally conscious. And that they were really working to produce high quality books, for children from all walks of life with themes that included acceptance and creativity. These are themes in my life! Then I found out you could sell Barefoot from your home. I was sold. I started selling towards the end of January. And I really feel like my faucet's back. In fact its more like a fountain! So thanks to Barefoot for helping me find me again!f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-55621926527671663662008-01-21T19:49:00.002-06:002008-06-06T13:02:28.512-05:00Oh the Places you'll go!<div>Oh, the Places You'll Go!<br />Congratulations!Today is your day.<br />You're off to Great Places!You're off and away!<br />You have brains in your head.You have feet in your shoes<br />You can steer yourself any direction you choose.<br />You're on your own. And you know what you know.<br />And YOU are the gal who'll decide where to go.<br /><br />You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.<br />About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."<br />With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,<br />you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.<br />And you may not find any you'll want to go down.<br />In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town.<br /><br />It's opener there in the wide open air.<br />Out there things can happen and frequently do<br />to people as brainy and footsy as you.<br />And when things start to happen,<br />don't worry. Don't stew.<br />Just go right along.You'll start happening too.<br /><br />OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! <br />You'll be on your way up!You'll be seeing great sights!<br />You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.<br />You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.<br />You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.<br />Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.<br />Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.<br />Except when you don' t Because, sometimes, you won't.<br />I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true and Hang-ups can happen to you.<br /><br />You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch.And your gang will fly on.<br />You'll be left in a Lurch.<br />You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant BUMP.<br />And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump.<br />And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun.<br />Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.<br /><br />You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.<br />Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.<br />A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!<br />Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?<br />How much can you lose? How much can you win?<br />And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...or right-and-three-quarters?<br />Or, maybe, not quite?<br />Or go around back and sneak in from behind?<br /><br />Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,<br />for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.<br />You can get so confused that you'll start in to race<br />down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace<br />and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,<br />headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. <br /><br />The Waiting Place... ...for people just waiting.<br />Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come,<br />or a plane to go or the mail to come,<br />or the rain to go or the phone to ring,<br />or the snow to snow<br />or waiting around for a Yes or a No<br />or waiting for their hair to grow.<br />Everyone is just waiting.<br />Waiting for the fish to bite<br />or waiting for wind to fly a kite<br />or waiting around for Friday night<br />or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake<br />or a pot to boil, or a Better Break<br />or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants<br />or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.<br />Everyone is just waiting.<br /><br />NO! That's not for you!<br />Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.<br />You'll find the bright placeswhere Boom Bands are playing.<br />With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high!<br />Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you're that kind of a guy!<br />Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!<br />There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.<br />And the magical things you can do with that ball<br />will make you the winning-est winner of all.<br />Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.<br />Except when they don't. Because, sometimes, they won't.<br /><br />I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too.<br />Games you can't win'cause you'll play against you.<br />All Alone!Whether you like it or not,<br />Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot.<br />And when you're alone, there's a very good chance<br />you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.<br />There are some, down the road between hither and yon,<br />that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.<br /><br />But on you will go though the weather be foul<br />On you will go though your enemies prowl<br />On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl<br />Onward up many a frightening creek,<br />though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.<br />On and on you will hike and I know you'll hike far<br />and face up to your problems whatever they are.<br />You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know.<br />You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.<br />So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact<br />and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act.<br />Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.<br />And never mix up your right foot with your left.<br />And will you succeed?<br />Yes! You will, indeed!(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)<br /><br />KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!<br />So...be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Brayor<br />Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,<br />you're off to Great Places! Today is your day!<br />Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way!<br /> ---Dr. Seuss<br /></div>f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-45228584313523025472007-12-14T11:07:00.000-06:002008-01-21T20:01:54.800-06:00New Ideas and ExplorationsBrew-Ha-Ha .....for the name for a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Brewhaus</span>/Cafe style place where you could drink coffee and beer and read and commune.<br /><br /><br /><br />Gleaner....someone who picks up that left by the reaper. Also, someone who picks stuff or knowledge up bit by bit<br /><br /><br /><br />Cute <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">username,</span> that...bitbybit....reminds me of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">itybitty</span>....:)<br /><br /><br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">HDR</span> -The most amazing photos I've ever seen have been manipulated this way. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Ethereal</span>.<br /><br /><br /><br />I like little a<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">pplique</span> on clothing. I also like <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">rickrack</span> a lot! AND....I like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">collaged</span> fabrics and patchwork <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">quilty</span> styled stuff. I really like things that feel comforting and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">ethereal</span> and special all at the same time. Touch of the dark on my fairies....know what I mean?<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.storyofstuff.com/">The story of stuff</a>. So cool. I should watch it <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">a lot</span>. ...(along with that <a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=3Zl9puhwiyw">"good day" movie </a>I was gonna watch every day to keep me "grounded".....<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">riiiiight</span>)<br /><br /><br /><br />I want to sell stuff on E<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">tsy</span>. BAD. I could be crafty and useful and package my adorably functional things simply and beautifully. Put order forms on the tissue? Postcard orders that fold into a box. Or comments cards? <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Coooool</span>.f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-63226632263191155532007-10-31T10:52:00.000-06:002007-10-31T11:44:51.110-06:002 Things that make every moment worthwhileYou are 15 months old. You are big. But not just in physical size. Your soul, your heart, YOU.....are enormous. You run everywhere with wild abandon. You shriek like a siren. That pointing finger, points at everything. Sometimes I wonder if you're pointing at spirits or at things I can't see .....anymore. I wouldn't put it past you. YOU are so much. You spin and spin and spin and fall. You are hungry NOW. You are inspired to hug your classmates (even if it knocks them over and they cry), the dogs, your "babies", Daddy, me....now. Just right when I've drifted away into my head. Into the seemingly infinte "to do" list that is my life. Right when I need your soft-but-hard hugs most. And your cries, your CRIES. They are big, loud and passionate. Like blaring reminders that this....my cell phone is soooooo very important. Right now. You must have it. NOW. Or "Sippy", you must have "sippy" RIGHT NOW. You need it. Regardless of whether I am currently pouring milk into it or not. Maybe you're really trying to remind me that right now....."right now" is very important. How have I forgotten that?<br /><br />Sometimes, you smile and I swear the sun pours out of your face. Like a flood of love from a burst damn. Only right now that flood is infinite. It's always there, but when you blow the dam, damn, its a wonderful kind of devastating. That's the "Love" smile. I feel a particular warmth for your, "Flirt/Coy" smile, though. It's the one where you kind of tip you're head to one side and you let the sunshine just barely peak into view. Oh. Oh oh oh, its like eating one very small piece of beautiful chocolate. Blissful but small. Not small in a bad way, more like in the way a really good wine ever so delicately offers tastes like "they" say it should. Like cherries or oak. And for that fleeting second (mostly because we can't really afford to drink this quality of wine all the time) it's like walking into a clearing of a really dense forest. That's subtle change in energy that is so wonderful. It's relief. And excitement. And a curious kind of expectation to experience it again and again and again. It's a new kind of energy deep inside. Isn't it amazing that your smile can do that to me? You don't understand now...that's good. Because once you understand you won't be feeling this way all the time. Like you do now. I'd like to revel in that for you right now.<br /><br />Oh yeah, I said two things, didn't I. Well the second. The second thing is what taught me why people become parents. You see, there is a chemical response that happens when your very own child cries. It is automatic for me and very instinctual. My heart hurts with an imediacy I can't put to words. And all I can do is kiss you and want to make you feel better. Ah, but with that new sense of urgent hurt there also comes a sense of urgent joy. And that joy is what fills me every single time you laugh. If you continued to laugh all day, while I ate your tummy. I would do it all day. Because when you laugh. When you laugh....How I do I describe this?<br /><br />I feel like I'm both lucky and unlucky to be the kind of person who FEELS things always ina big way. When I'm happy and inspired...I am REALLY happy and REALLY inspired. Sometimes to a fault. And when I'm lonely....I'm really lonely. And really really sad. When you laugh it's like when I used to drive some 45 minutes home from work. And I was feeling particularly inspired by a new artist or song that day. And I would blast that song and sing and scream it as loud as I could the whole way home. All the while feeling that sense of absolute bliss and connection to the world. I would roll down the windows and drive really fast; the wind blowing my hair around me. My adreniline would pump. I would hit all the green stoplights. And know with all of my being that the world makes sense. .......Your laugh is like that feeling. Only better....f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-23634697415291021202007-09-14T14:28:00.000-05:002007-09-14T15:23:17.768-05:00So I was running the other day........mind you, running is not something that I have enjoyed, in the least, since I was 7 or so. Anyway, I was running and trying to keep the mantra "Joy, joy, joy" in my head. See, I have always envied the people who run regularly. I admire their stamina, their dedication, and their endurance. I've always wanted to be the kind of person that misses running when they can't do it. The last time I remember really liking to run was when I was 5 and racing the other kids in the school yard. At that age my body was so light and my worldview so pure that I really felt like I could run faster than anything. That I could fly. I remember it being a magically joyful experience. So I've been trying to remember that feeling while I run now. And I can say it actually helps some. It really does. <br /><br />As I was running the other day I realized how thankful I am that I have a reference (even one from childhood) to running being a joyful experience. I wonder about all the other overweight people like me who don't and how much harder it must be for them to find joy in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">exercising</span>. I also realized how thankful I am that I don't have to struggle to breathe in my life except when I run.<br /><br />After starting up running again I have realized that not being able to breathe has been the biggest <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">deterrent</span> for me. Not being able to breathe is fundamentally frightening. Its not even just that its scary, there is also some base instinct inside (self preservation I suppose) that screams "I NEED MORE AIR!". I cannot imagine having a breathing disorder like <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">asthma</span> or emphysema. Where you have long bouts with this feeling of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">suffocation</span>.<br /><br />My husband joined me for the end of my run the other day and I was telling him about my struggle with this aspect of being out of shape. And his response was "It gets better." While I know this is true, I also know that he has probably never really felt this horrible fear before (he was a cross country runner) and has no reference to fully sympathise.<br /><br />In the end I found remembering that I would eventually stop running soon helped. I reminded myself what it was like to swim underwater for long distances. It was something I have always been good at (you know, singers lungs). Underwater you get that same sense that you are really going to suffocate, actually die underwater. But when you fight that instinct to breathe OR come up for air you find a peace underwater. And when you get to the end of the length and finally breathe real wonderful air into your lungs you get a sense of pure joy. A sense of the accomplishment and of course the relief of breathing. The gratitude for something you do thousands of times each day otherwise is a wonderfully enlightening thing. Breathing at its essence is good.f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-26446905350805560592007-08-08T09:41:00.000-05:002007-09-14T14:28:14.740-05:00Birthday DinnersIt is a tradition in my family to go out to your pick of restaurant to celebrate your birthday. We go out as a family and work to get everyone there to attend. Its not many people; just My mom, dad, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Busia</span>, brother, husband and son. Sometimes its hard to schedule but we usually find a way to match schedules even if it means having the dinner a long time from the actual birthday. I'd like to think that birthdays should not be about what you get or where you go but instead a celebration of you, your family and your birth. The problem is neither of my parents are particularly good at celebrating us as people. I wish I could feel as if I was someone my parents were proud of......someone who they celebrated, enjoyed and loved. But I don't.<br />And since my mom is what you could call beyond frugal (don't get me wrong, its served us well as a family, especially in the leanest of times) going out to eat was always a big deal. It was the one thing that always without fail made me feel like I was special and loved.<br /><br />So this year with my emotional state being a little frail(no regular job, a baby and a lot of self doubt ) I was really <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">disappointed</span> that my mom wanted us to come over to their house and order pizza for my and Shay's birthday. It would be "easier" she said. How is it that between my parents and my own negative self image I can find a way to make such a stupid thing mean that I'm not important to them, not enough? In any case, that's how I felt.<br /><br />This is when my lovely husband comes in and once again sweeps me off my feet. He always seems to find a way to make me feel better. Like I am important. And the best part is that its <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">always</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">synchronicitously</span> right when I really need it most. This time it meant that he held a surprise birthday party for me. And it did make me feel special and important. What would I do without him?f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-80750564548714021652007-08-03T11:23:00.002-05:002007-08-13T11:01:11.486-05:00Birthing a BloggerI feel as if this is the most appropriate title I can give this newborn <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">blog's</span> first post. For me, writing has always had a magical lure. It gives you the sense that you really can change the world. You create the new world and paint it with words. It is both scary and wonderful to begin doing something you feel so excited by.<br /><br />Birthing this blog has begun much as birthing my baby began. Parts of me are completely ready to begin the adventure come what may. But parts of me, the inner fearful parts, refuse to follow. I was so worried and anxious about when the baby was going to arrive.....to surprise me. I've always been anxious about things involving bodily function. What if my water broke while I was in public?.....how <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">embarrassing</span>, I thought! I was induced at the hospital a week and a half after the baby was originally due. I labored and labored for some 12 odd hours. Then I pushed for almost two hours. But still my body and my baby were not yet ready to exist <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">separately</span>. Instead they did a cesarean. Maybe the whole labor process was too overwhelming for me and my body. It's rather disappointing, though, when something that is so basic to human existence requires major surgery. It sort of made me start off motherhood feeling like a failure. I suppose this is life. In any case starting this blog has been much the same kind of experience for me. Starting and stopping, being afraid....deciding to just never publish any of these posts....(How vast is the endeavor of encompassing the whole of your being in a few words? Is that the point? Is completing this task even possible?) Now though I'm starting to realize that I've always learned the most about myself (triumphs and limits) with the whole of my self exposed. Not physically of course, but <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">definitely</span> emotionally. I suppose the same could be said of creating life. Baby's are the rawest nerve, the be all and end all of humanity really. Our most fragile and important resource.<br /><br />So let me just start with the being I am in this moment. Where's my harmony? I am a happy mother, wife and friend. Of late, motherhood has brought out a reluctant <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">daughterhood</span>. There lies the origin of my recent dissonance. I remember a moment in my 5 year old life in which I explored my naked self in the mirror. I remember being utterly enthralled with my body. My smooth skin. My round belly. At that age I was beginning to understand what and who I was. Including what the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">difference</span> between Self Esteem and Vanity was. And more importantly which was good and which was bad. It really is as simple as that when you're young. Good and bad, do and don't.... My mother walked in and told me I was vain. And I remember painfully the brand new feeling I had that day. I felt vividly ashamed. I felt as if there was something wrong with me at my essence. It's amazing how seemingly small parental mistakes like that can change the course your life. Shame and worthlessness are feelings I have become intimately familiar with since then. From the time my father promised to come to my kindergarten <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Halloween</span> party and then forgot. To my parents coming to very few of my school activities. To struggling and failing (in front of several classes of my peers ) in second, third, fourth and fifth grades to conquer the multiplication tables. To being tauntingly called '<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Olga</span> the walrus' at recess by my (obviously not) best friend. Being made to feel that I was disgustingly dirty, poor, smelly, ugly and fat by "the cool kids" in my grade. Feeling ashamed at being different because I was the first girl to have "developed" and having no reference for what that meant. That horrid older <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Indian</span> boy who used to walk me home from school and one day touched my crotch and breasts whilst telling me not to let anyone touch me there. And I'm sure many more times my mind is working desperately to block out.<br /><br />Sometimes I feel like there has been so much <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">disappointment</span> in my life that I have learned to have no expectation for anything or anyone. If you hope or expect things your are inevitably <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">disappointed</span> so just take it as it comes. This attitude has been both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because it means I can truly take things as they come and not get to upset if the world doesn't move like it should. It means I take people for who they are and do a decent job at finding reasons not to judge. But it also means that I feel like I can't ever celebrate he good things for fear they be taken away. (If the cosmos knows your hopes and dreams its easier to crash them). It also means that natural gratitude has been taken from me. How can you be thankful if you can't let anything feel good? Grateful for what?<br /><br />So I guess that's why I'm here.<br />My purpose for blogging is thus: to discover and heal all those emotional wounds that have festered unattended for so long. To find that beautiful, kind, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">curious</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">intelligent</span>, wise, joyful and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">nurturing</span> girl that's buried under piles of hurt. To figure out who she really is. To heal her up so she can have the life she wants and so she can be the mother and wife her son and hubby deserve. To make gratitude a foundation in <strong>MY</strong> family's life. So life, thanks for the so-far, this beautiful today, and as many tomorrows as you'll grace me with.f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65792921685008594.post-17608424278876611672007-08-03T11:23:00.001-05:002007-09-14T14:15:14.425-05:00Extricating a waifFeeling like a traitor to the self and body that I have and am. When I lost weight I always felt like a fake....Like I could never be skinny. My self dictated that I was defined by that extra weight. Losing it meant I was a traitor to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">myself</span> somehow. The most horrible <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">contraindication</span> is that I hate that overweight self. I literally hate her. I resent the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">opportunities</span> she's taken away from me for so many years. Years I could have been happier and had better self esteem. Years I could have gotten more relationship experience that I could have brought to my marriage. Years of shame and fear and constant escape from myself. I have always known what it is that I want to be, who....but I've never been able to figure out how to extricate that person from the fat girl without killing her.f8ed 2 1derhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458023310620631794noreply@blogger.com2