So it's been a year. So what!

....I've been kind of busy! And (as usual) I still am. So, just to spite all of you that keep whining that I haven't posted in a long time (you know who you are) here is a top 10 list. Just for you! Top 10 things I've been doing in the last year (instead of writing on my blog):

10. Losing ground on the "clean house" goal.
9. Settling the mold issue with the people who bought our old house for an additional $5000 over time.Ugh.
8. Fighting with a 3 year old. A. Lot.
7. Sending said 3-year old off to preschool (2 days a week for two hours).
6. Suffering through a miserable, uncomfortable, and difficult pregnancy (not that I am complaining... see 2 and 1).
5. Deciding and applying to go back to school to become a Waldorf teacher and get my Masters in Education.
4. Playing a multitude (like 10..at least!) of gigs with the band
3. Recording a CD with the band
2. Having a beautiful baby girl 4 weeks early.
1. Watching said baby sleep. SHE SLEEPS!!! Yay!!

Okay. That wasn't too hard. Maybe I'll post more soon.... No promises...I have a 2 month old to take care of for cripes sake!

If you can't say something nice....

...take a break from blogging all together. At least, that's sort of how its gone for me. It's been a little more than two months now since last I posted. Between all of my roller-coaster riding (1.news of a new pregnancy right before Thanksgiving... subsequent miscarriage, 2.Joyous and family filled holidays(no traveling! Woowho!)...grieving unsharable loss then economic upheaval for the nation and world, 3.Finally progressing with making this house our home and doing some painting....old house mold issue resurfacing (to the current tune of $12,000 for which they would like a check yesterday...ha!See item 2...) But honestly, I just haven't felt like glorifying, quantifying or even recognizing for that matter all the feelings of discouragement, disappointment and downright depression I've been living. I WANT to be positive. I want to feel like this home and life we're creating is relatively stable and that as long as we have each other my little family will keep on keepin' on.... but most of the time, I'm just not feeling it. So today dear reader(s?) I mean to search my little achy(breaky) heart for some of the good things and people that HAVE happened to me since last we spoke. Without them I would have certainly sunken into the swamps of sadness.

Okay *rubbing hands together ferociously* here goes:
1.The holidays brought a plethora of friends back into my consciousness. Between meeting up with several friends I haven't spoken to in more than 8 years each and seeing close friends(in person!!) that are(daring)to fly right into their lives and perch in new neighborhoods. Re-friending(or not) seems to give amazing perspective to how much you yourself have changed/grown (or not)since last that particular friendship thrived. And it shows very clearly how much people can change in a relatively short amount of time(I guess 8 years is long...?). Also, seeing in person those friends still flying in your radar yet removed from your neighborhood is always a practice in fully enjoying and remembering how wonderful they really are in right next to you and then having to wave your hanky at their departing tail feathers once again.

2.I have been discovering more about a philosophy of education and child-rearing I had never known existed. While ultimately I think the true value of any education lies in the people who impart it, I must admit the idealist in me cannot find fault with educating whole people (mind, heart and body) through ample use of the arts and a four dimensional view of the developing human. The Waldorf philosophy,(apart from some henky bits that COULD be misused by a wayward teacher) seems to me to fit this bill. It could be that what I'm really enjoying about it, is it's exploration.... only time will tell.

4.I discovered Unitarian Universalism online(Oh internet, how do I love thee...let me count the ways...) when we were still living in Palatine. After we moved we began frequenting a UU church in our new area and have absolutely fallen in love with it. Being a weird mixture of both extremely logical and fundamentally spiritual in nature it has been like finding the home that could comfortably house both my heart and my brain. And a community that is both open minded and intelligent within whom I am thrilled to be able to bring up my children.

5.Singing has been a natural outflow of my personality since I was born, I think. And being in a band that plays regularly in small venues with person to person interaction has always been a quasi-secret dream of mine. Yes, I got my degree in Vocal Performance. Indeed, I did. But what I didn't fully realize until after I actually snatched the diploma, is that Opera singers sing in large impersonal opera halls and theatres and the relationship they have with their audience, while wonderful in its own right, is not actually the eye to eye, lets sing together kind of personal I was seeking. My high school youth leader and now long time friend and I have begun singing together (again really...)and are making a stab at that coffee house performance dream in the sky. I'm really enjoying seeing where it takes us...

.....
I think I'll have to continue this post later as it seems my young sprite is awake and I think I've used up all the vocabulary I can muster. Maybe kind reader, we will continue this list tomorrow. If not then, soon. Until then, thanks for reading. Over and out.

An internal summer frenzy

Seriously. This summer has been just nuts. They always have seemed to fly by. But wow. I really can't account for what was actually so busy and taxing but it really felt like we've been running for three months straight. Really.

I think a big part of it is that I am really having trouble completing things. Or maybe I do complete things and I just have so many things that need to be completed that I'm really never finished. I never quite feel accomplished in my day....my life sometimes. I am blessed/cursed by my love of experience. I have really high expectations for this world and my life in it. I think that's good actually. I want a completely fulfilled life. Now I just have to figure out how NOT to make myself crazy getting it....

In happier, cuter news Baze is officially a little boy. He turned 2 at the end of July and wow in the last couple of weeks I swear he's sprouted. What a beaming, inquisitive, mischievous outlook he has. I'm so excited to be around to watch(in wonder) as his little personality unfurls. What a treasure I've got.

Yesterday and today....

Yesterday our living room was a lovely shade of Orange (2 actually). Today....it is a very neutral (albeit rather nice and retro looking) parchment-y color. Yes, last night we painted our living room. Shay's friend Julie, who does painting on the side, came and helped us. We started at 6pm and finished at almost 11pm. Impressed right? Huh? Huh?....AND it was ZERO VOC paint too!! Unfortunately, when the rooster crows at 5:30am , that means we missed out on quite a bit of shut-eye....humph.

And.... Baze and I went to the park at like 8:30am this morning(I caved pretty quickly. I just couldn't handle the "Pawk. Pawk. Pawk. Paawwwwk. Paaaaaawwwwk!" whining this morning after our night-of-little-sleep.) He played very nicely and even swung on the big-boy swing like a big boy! So cute! We played quite a bit and were playing "Chase me!" in the open area when Baze quickly decided to run right into the middle of the street. Now, the park is surrounded by streets, all of which are residential and not particularly well traveled. But it scared me to death and so I kinda screamed at him a little. Not five minutes later he did it again. At that point, I was scared AND angry so I scooped him up and told him we were going home. Our exchange went something like this: "We have to go home now. If Bazie can't listen to mommmy then we have to go home! It's a very bad thing to run in the street! It is dangerous! We don't go in the street...right Baze? No. Street. You say Baze. Noooo. Street." Having a vague understanding of the gravity of the situation after all my yelling and eyebrow furrowing, Baze responds very seriously "Noooo. Sheep."

It probably doesn't help Baze to understand the "No Running into the street" effort when I'm rolling in the street laughing. Hard. Does it?

Home Update

We are...as you say....back to square one. Terminix came and said there was NO structural damage and that all that needed to be done was the Termite Treatment. So $1200 later...NOT $30,000 per Mean Inspector man's estimate, we are starting over. The original buyers really had our hopes up there for a while. We got a letter from their lawyer canceling their offer a couple days after the inspector came. And our lawyer sent them back a letter detailing what the problem really was and how we had fixed it. And then they came back to look at the house again with both sets of their parents a couple days after that response letter. But we haven't heard from them since. Now the attorney's period is over and we are no longer bound to their offer we have put the house back on the market. The most unfortunate part of this whole thing is that now I really have my heart set on the house we put an offer on. Because our offer was contingent on this home sale our offer is kaput. Which means we have to work really hard to get this house sold as soon as possible so we can put in another offer before someone else snatches it up. It's funny. I feel surprisingly upbeat even though I don't want to lose the house. I just sort of feel better not being in limbo. At least now, we know what we need to do. Hopefully all of the flowers will start coming out soon! More curb appeal!!

New Ideas and Explorations

Brew-Ha-Ha .....for the name for a Brewhaus/Cafe style place where you could drink coffee and beer and read and commune.



Gleaner....someone who picks up that left by the reaper. Also, someone who picks stuff or knowledge up bit by bit



Cute username, that...bitbybit....reminds me of itybitty....:)



HDR -The most amazing photos I've ever seen have been manipulated this way. Ethereal.



I like little applique on clothing. I also like rickrack a lot! AND....I like collaged fabrics and patchwork quilty styled stuff. I really like things that feel comforting and ethereal and special all at the same time. Touch of the dark on my fairies....know what I mean?



The story of stuff. So cool. I should watch it a lot. ...(along with that "good day" movie I was gonna watch every day to keep me "grounded".....riiiiight)



I want to sell stuff on Etsy. BAD. I could be crafty and useful and package my adorably functional things simply and beautifully. Put order forms on the tissue? Postcard orders that fold into a box. Or comments cards? Coooool.

Birthday Dinners

It is a tradition in my family to go out to your pick of restaurant to celebrate your birthday. We go out as a family and work to get everyone there to attend. Its not many people; just My mom, dad, Busia, brother, husband and son. Sometimes its hard to schedule but we usually find a way to match schedules even if it means having the dinner a long time from the actual birthday. I'd like to think that birthdays should not be about what you get or where you go but instead a celebration of you, your family and your birth. The problem is neither of my parents are particularly good at celebrating us as people. I wish I could feel as if I was someone my parents were proud of......someone who they celebrated, enjoyed and loved. But I don't.
And since my mom is what you could call beyond frugal (don't get me wrong, its served us well as a family, especially in the leanest of times) going out to eat was always a big deal. It was the one thing that always without fail made me feel like I was special and loved.

So this year with my emotional state being a little frail(no regular job, a baby and a lot of self doubt ) I was really disappointed that my mom wanted us to come over to their house and order pizza for my and Shay's birthday. It would be "easier" she said. How is it that between my parents and my own negative self image I can find a way to make such a stupid thing mean that I'm not important to them, not enough? In any case, that's how I felt.

This is when my lovely husband comes in and once again sweeps me off my feet. He always seems to find a way to make me feel better. Like I am important. And the best part is that its always synchronicitously right when I really need it most. This time it meant that he held a surprise birthday party for me. And it did make me feel special and important. What would I do without him?

Birthing a Blogger

I feel as if this is the most appropriate title I can give this newborn blog's first post. For me, writing has always had a magical lure. It gives you the sense that you really can change the world. You create the new world and paint it with words. It is both scary and wonderful to begin doing something you feel so excited by.

Birthing this blog has begun much as birthing my baby began. Parts of me are completely ready to begin the adventure come what may. But parts of me, the inner fearful parts, refuse to follow. I was so worried and anxious about when the baby was going to arrive.....to surprise me. I've always been anxious about things involving bodily function. What if my water broke while I was in public?.....how embarrassing, I thought! I was induced at the hospital a week and a half after the baby was originally due. I labored and labored for some 12 odd hours. Then I pushed for almost two hours. But still my body and my baby were not yet ready to exist separately. Instead they did a cesarean. Maybe the whole labor process was too overwhelming for me and my body. It's rather disappointing, though, when something that is so basic to human existence requires major surgery. It sort of made me start off motherhood feeling like a failure. I suppose this is life. In any case starting this blog has been much the same kind of experience for me. Starting and stopping, being afraid....deciding to just never publish any of these posts....(How vast is the endeavor of encompassing the whole of your being in a few words? Is that the point? Is completing this task even possible?) Now though I'm starting to realize that I've always learned the most about myself (triumphs and limits) with the whole of my self exposed. Not physically of course, but definitely emotionally. I suppose the same could be said of creating life. Baby's are the rawest nerve, the be all and end all of humanity really. Our most fragile and important resource.

So let me just start with the being I am in this moment. Where's my harmony? I am a happy mother, wife and friend. Of late, motherhood has brought out a reluctant daughterhood. There lies the origin of my recent dissonance. I remember a moment in my 5 year old life in which I explored my naked self in the mirror. I remember being utterly enthralled with my body. My smooth skin. My round belly. At that age I was beginning to understand what and who I was. Including what the difference between Self Esteem and Vanity was. And more importantly which was good and which was bad. It really is as simple as that when you're young. Good and bad, do and don't.... My mother walked in and told me I was vain. And I remember painfully the brand new feeling I had that day. I felt vividly ashamed. I felt as if there was something wrong with me at my essence. It's amazing how seemingly small parental mistakes like that can change the course your life. Shame and worthlessness are feelings I have become intimately familiar with since then. From the time my father promised to come to my kindergarten Halloween party and then forgot. To my parents coming to very few of my school activities. To struggling and failing (in front of several classes of my peers ) in second, third, fourth and fifth grades to conquer the multiplication tables. To being tauntingly called 'Olga the walrus' at recess by my (obviously not) best friend. Being made to feel that I was disgustingly dirty, poor, smelly, ugly and fat by "the cool kids" in my grade. Feeling ashamed at being different because I was the first girl to have "developed" and having no reference for what that meant. That horrid older Indian boy who used to walk me home from school and one day touched my crotch and breasts whilst telling me not to let anyone touch me there. And I'm sure many more times my mind is working desperately to block out.

Sometimes I feel like there has been so much disappointment in my life that I have learned to have no expectation for anything or anyone. If you hope or expect things your are inevitably disappointed so just take it as it comes. This attitude has been both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because it means I can truly take things as they come and not get to upset if the world doesn't move like it should. It means I take people for who they are and do a decent job at finding reasons not to judge. But it also means that I feel like I can't ever celebrate he good things for fear they be taken away. (If the cosmos knows your hopes and dreams its easier to crash them). It also means that natural gratitude has been taken from me. How can you be thankful if you can't let anything feel good? Grateful for what?

So I guess that's why I'm here.
My purpose for blogging is thus: to discover and heal all those emotional wounds that have festered unattended for so long. To find that beautiful, kind, curious, intelligent, wise, joyful and nurturing girl that's buried under piles of hurt. To figure out who she really is. To heal her up so she can have the life she wants and so she can be the mother and wife her son and hubby deserve. To make gratitude a foundation in MY family's life. So life, thanks for the so-far, this beautiful today, and as many tomorrows as you'll grace me with.

Homemakers Lament

I am struggling today. I'm not sure if its the book I just finished ("The Road" : It's devastating this book, I regret ever starting it as reading the middle of it broke my heart. I think possibly literally.), or a hormonal premenstrual black hole OR (even worse) a low feeling of regret regarding my job choice.

For most people I think the last is easily solvable no matter how invested in your job you've become. You hate where you are enough and you quit, or get fired OR whatever! The only large repercussions are those in your pocketbook and/or those in your sense of 'work' self. The problem is, I'm a stay-at-home mom. Regretting my choice to stay at home means a whole self tug of war and a lot of guilt. Part of me demands, "Don't you love your child? You will lose track of even more of his life if you go back to work, almost the whole of it. Don't you want to give him that sense of how much you care for him. That you would give your whole life to him; heart, mind and spirit. That you love him that much. Especially, when you never felt that way of your mother. You're going to quit now!! You quitter! You've gotten through the hard part! If you would just stop being so lazy this would be fun."

Then there's the other side..."Your husband is struggling to make sure the family survives financially. He is making a great sacrifice and its time to give him a little reprieve. You are starting to lose it without any sense of accountability. You are a sinking ship. You are struggling with issues that you can't deal with and mother appropriately. The emotional place you're at right now is not a place that a baby should be subjected to 24/7. You are not cut out to do the same menial tasks day after day. You don't do any of them well enough to frame them as fine gifts to your family. You are just not motivated or organized enough every day to do this the way you've always imagined. To do it better than your mother."

I've always wanted to be a Homemaker. A woman adept at the art and science of 'playing house'. Being the person who makes all the laundry smell like home and all folded and neat. The person who does arts and crafts and makes your favorite lunch for you every day(and it tastes so good!). The person who has plenty of time in her day to keep a pretty clean and homey house but still has lots of time to play and to do things for herself. The person who makes her own bread and almost all the meals from scratch. The person who lets you out to move and wiggle and run and jump and be friends. The person who happily crafts magically healthful wonderful dinners on a meager budget and who enjoys lush praise from all who partake. She takes you on romps through the woods and teaches you everything she knows while at the same time helping to instill and relish a sense of magic mystery and wonder into all around her. The person who always sends you a birthday card. The person who always sends fabulous 'thinking of you' cards and thank you cards that really make you feel as if you're important. The person who reads to you with vigor every day and is not afraid to make fort blankets or to have adventures. The person who scolds gently and is fair and balanced when it comes to discipline. The person who always holds you and makes you feel safe and good. The person you run crying to when you need a boo-boo kissed. The person who always gives you the best advice that makes you grow up to be a wonderful person with lots of self esteem...but not too much. The woman who always looks wonderful and sexy for herself and for her husband(Who so greatly deserves to have a wonderful beautiful woman sleep with him every night.) The woman who sacrifices a chunk of her own life for her family with grace and dignity. ......All of which SOUNDS really wonderful. Except that I'm not all that great at motivating myself. Even worse the person I should be able to model some of these things from has never been an example of them. I am this person on the inside I just can't figure out how to be this person in the real world.


I feel like I'm always angry and filled with resentment. Half the time I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling. Sometimes the things that come out of my mouth make me sound like I feel trapped at home. But I'm not sure if I actually feel that way or not. I think sometimes I feel like I can never do all the things I think a Homemaker should. Partly because I have no idea how. And most f the things I don't know are not things you can go look up in an encyclopedia, they are things that women pass to their children. Just by doing them. Sometimes I wish that I could find balance between the beauty of having habits/traditions (a planned life) and playing it by ear (Living by the seat of my pants). On one hand I always felt rather unstable in my childhood home and I could have really used some more structure. But on the other hand I want to give my children a better sense of freedom than I ever felt I had.



And, AND....I cannot get the baby to sleep this week. It is making me insane and I am not sure why it's such a big deal. I think it's because I feel like I have a lot more freedom when he's asleep. Like I can do things without having to make sure he is not getting into something he shouldn't. I think deep down I worry that I will never actually complete anything when I try to do things while he's up. He is a constant (beautiful, but constant) distraction. Some days, I have a persistent sense that I may be messing him up when he's awake. It makes me very anxious. Sometimes I just need a blessed break from the screaming, from pulling poisonous things from his mouth, from him pulling everything out and messing up what I just cleaned, from the guilt that I need a break in the first place, from trying to keep him happy while not spoiling him, and from the anxiety that because he's not sleeping now experience tells me he will be a very large handful of cranky later.

Okay B, but what are you thankful for today:
I am thankful for my wonderful husband who truly loves me. I am thankful for my very healthy baby who is really pretty good most of the time. Who eats well and sleeps through most nights, who is curious and adventurous and smart and Ohhhhhhh so adorable.
I am thankful that we a have a home that is ours and our way. I am thankful to have the oppurtunity to stay home with my baby even if it means a day full of crying and whining. They are my babies cries and whines and I love them too. And I get to watch every one of his discoveries and every one of his struggles. I probably know him as a person better than anyone else so far. I am thankful I get to choose what to do with my day everyday. I have to remember that is always my choice. I am thankful that I have my hubby, my parents, my friends and my brother all of whom in one way or another assist me in living my life every day.
Okay gotta go collect a crying baby....Bye.