So it's been a year. So what!

....I've been kind of busy! And (as usual) I still am. So, just to spite all of you that keep whining that I haven't posted in a long time (you know who you are) here is a top 10 list. Just for you! Top 10 things I've been doing in the last year (instead of writing on my blog):

10. Losing ground on the "clean house" goal.
9. Settling the mold issue with the people who bought our old house for an additional $5000 over time.Ugh.
8. Fighting with a 3 year old. A. Lot.
7. Sending said 3-year old off to preschool (2 days a week for two hours).
6. Suffering through a miserable, uncomfortable, and difficult pregnancy (not that I am complaining... see 2 and 1).
5. Deciding and applying to go back to school to become a Waldorf teacher and get my Masters in Education.
4. Playing a multitude (like 10..at least!) of gigs with the band
3. Recording a CD with the band
2. Having a beautiful baby girl 4 weeks early.
1. Watching said baby sleep. SHE SLEEPS!!! Yay!!

Okay. That wasn't too hard. Maybe I'll post more soon.... No promises...I have a 2 month old to take care of for cripes sake!

If you can't say something nice....

...take a break from blogging all together. At least, that's sort of how its gone for me. It's been a little more than two months now since last I posted. Between all of my roller-coaster riding (1.news of a new pregnancy right before Thanksgiving... subsequent miscarriage, 2.Joyous and family filled holidays(no traveling! Woowho!)...grieving unsharable loss then economic upheaval for the nation and world, 3.Finally progressing with making this house our home and doing some painting....old house mold issue resurfacing (to the current tune of $12,000 for which they would like a check yesterday...ha!See item 2...) But honestly, I just haven't felt like glorifying, quantifying or even recognizing for that matter all the feelings of discouragement, disappointment and downright depression I've been living. I WANT to be positive. I want to feel like this home and life we're creating is relatively stable and that as long as we have each other my little family will keep on keepin' on.... but most of the time, I'm just not feeling it. So today dear reader(s?) I mean to search my little achy(breaky) heart for some of the good things and people that HAVE happened to me since last we spoke. Without them I would have certainly sunken into the swamps of sadness.

Okay *rubbing hands together ferociously* here goes:
1.The holidays brought a plethora of friends back into my consciousness. Between meeting up with several friends I haven't spoken to in more than 8 years each and seeing close friends(in person!!) that are(daring)to fly right into their lives and perch in new neighborhoods. Re-friending(or not) seems to give amazing perspective to how much you yourself have changed/grown (or not)since last that particular friendship thrived. And it shows very clearly how much people can change in a relatively short amount of time(I guess 8 years is long...?). Also, seeing in person those friends still flying in your radar yet removed from your neighborhood is always a practice in fully enjoying and remembering how wonderful they really are in right next to you and then having to wave your hanky at their departing tail feathers once again.

2.I have been discovering more about a philosophy of education and child-rearing I had never known existed. While ultimately I think the true value of any education lies in the people who impart it, I must admit the idealist in me cannot find fault with educating whole people (mind, heart and body) through ample use of the arts and a four dimensional view of the developing human. The Waldorf philosophy,(apart from some henky bits that COULD be misused by a wayward teacher) seems to me to fit this bill. It could be that what I'm really enjoying about it, is it's exploration.... only time will tell.

4.I discovered Unitarian Universalism online(Oh internet, how do I love thee...let me count the ways...) when we were still living in Palatine. After we moved we began frequenting a UU church in our new area and have absolutely fallen in love with it. Being a weird mixture of both extremely logical and fundamentally spiritual in nature it has been like finding the home that could comfortably house both my heart and my brain. And a community that is both open minded and intelligent within whom I am thrilled to be able to bring up my children.

5.Singing has been a natural outflow of my personality since I was born, I think. And being in a band that plays regularly in small venues with person to person interaction has always been a quasi-secret dream of mine. Yes, I got my degree in Vocal Performance. Indeed, I did. But what I didn't fully realize until after I actually snatched the diploma, is that Opera singers sing in large impersonal opera halls and theatres and the relationship they have with their audience, while wonderful in its own right, is not actually the eye to eye, lets sing together kind of personal I was seeking. My high school youth leader and now long time friend and I have begun singing together (again really...)and are making a stab at that coffee house performance dream in the sky. I'm really enjoying seeing where it takes us...

.....
I think I'll have to continue this post later as it seems my young sprite is awake and I think I've used up all the vocabulary I can muster. Maybe kind reader, we will continue this list tomorrow. If not then, soon. Until then, thanks for reading. Over and out.

My Spark

Sometimes, in stressful times, like the last day and a half Baze says things that make me so grateful. ....Profound things like ..."Ev-BahDee SING!".... or... "Mama, Par-ede!!!" which is ultimately followed by loud made-up song singing ,marching around the couch in circles and the banging of home made instruments(Because store bought ones are not nearly as fun). ...OR "Tinkle, Tinkle, li-ul STAR, Tinkle, Tinkle li-ul STAR, Tinkle, Tinkle li-ul STAR, Tinkle Tinkle Li-Ul STAR....won-der....up buv....high"....Ugh.... It's good stuff this.... Real good.

A Break from the Torrent

I'm taking a short break from my crazy, currently overstuffed and overstressed life to post this song by Tanya Davis called....
Art.

I wondered what would be the worth of my words in the world
if i write them and then recite them are they worth being heard
just because i like them does that mean i should mic them
and see what might unfurl

i think of the significance of my opinions here
is it significant to be giving them does anybody care
just because i’m into this does that mean i should live like it
and really do i dare

art, art i want you
art you make it pretty hard not too
and my heart is trying hard here to follow you
but i can’t always tell if i ought to

so i pondered the point of my art in this life
if i make it will someone take it and think it’s genuine
will they be glad that i did ’cause they got something good out of it
will they leave me and be any more inspired

i question the outcome of the outpouring of myself
if i tell everyone my stories will this keep me healthy and well
will it give me purpose, to this world some sort of service
is it worth it, how can i tell

art, art…

I found it posted on one of my favorite blogs (yes, I'm only a lurker there but alas...) a peek inside the fishbowl

As a (sort-of real but mostly) wannabe songwriter, this song really touches on the struggles of most artists I think. And since humanity is the only requisite for the production of real art(Don't you think? Or do the painting elephant and cat count too? And what of birdsong?) I think it might actually be a primary plight of humanity as a whole. Certainly a familiar one for those that blog... - Hi blogging friends! *wave wave*

Should we share the most intense bits of our soul? The ones that beg to be screamed from mountaintops... As well as the ones that intentionally confuse, entangle and hide themselves back in the deepest recesses at the first inkling that they are to be pushed out into the light? Is it righteous or selfish to express our souls in ways that make others feel the way we do - good or bad, simple or complex?

As usual, all I've got is questions.... I have to give myself the credit though that I am very well practiced at their asking... And that, my dears, is a start.

An internal summer frenzy

Seriously. This summer has been just nuts. They always have seemed to fly by. But wow. I really can't account for what was actually so busy and taxing but it really felt like we've been running for three months straight. Really.

I think a big part of it is that I am really having trouble completing things. Or maybe I do complete things and I just have so many things that need to be completed that I'm really never finished. I never quite feel accomplished in my day....my life sometimes. I am blessed/cursed by my love of experience. I have really high expectations for this world and my life in it. I think that's good actually. I want a completely fulfilled life. Now I just have to figure out how NOT to make myself crazy getting it....

In happier, cuter news Baze is officially a little boy. He turned 2 at the end of July and wow in the last couple of weeks I swear he's sprouted. What a beaming, inquisitive, mischievous outlook he has. I'm so excited to be around to watch(in wonder) as his little personality unfurls. What a treasure I've got.

WOW! That's just cool....

Unfortunately, I have to put this in a link to share....sorry....but totally go check it out!! This is sooooooo awesome!!

Yesterday and today....

Yesterday our living room was a lovely shade of Orange (2 actually). Today....it is a very neutral (albeit rather nice and retro looking) parchment-y color. Yes, last night we painted our living room. Shay's friend Julie, who does painting on the side, came and helped us. We started at 6pm and finished at almost 11pm. Impressed right? Huh? Huh?....AND it was ZERO VOC paint too!! Unfortunately, when the rooster crows at 5:30am , that means we missed out on quite a bit of shut-eye....humph.

And.... Baze and I went to the park at like 8:30am this morning(I caved pretty quickly. I just couldn't handle the "Pawk. Pawk. Pawk. Paawwwwk. Paaaaaawwwwk!" whining this morning after our night-of-little-sleep.) He played very nicely and even swung on the big-boy swing like a big boy! So cute! We played quite a bit and were playing "Chase me!" in the open area when Baze quickly decided to run right into the middle of the street. Now, the park is surrounded by streets, all of which are residential and not particularly well traveled. But it scared me to death and so I kinda screamed at him a little. Not five minutes later he did it again. At that point, I was scared AND angry so I scooped him up and told him we were going home. Our exchange went something like this: "We have to go home now. If Bazie can't listen to mommmy then we have to go home! It's a very bad thing to run in the street! It is dangerous! We don't go in the street...right Baze? No. Street. You say Baze. Noooo. Street." Having a vague understanding of the gravity of the situation after all my yelling and eyebrow furrowing, Baze responds very seriously "Noooo. Sheep."

It probably doesn't help Baze to understand the "No Running into the street" effort when I'm rolling in the street laughing. Hard. Does it?